I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
