I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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