I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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