What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
there is puke in my bra ... again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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