I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
