my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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