Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
