Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
