i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
