My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
