Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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