for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
