a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I want her autograph on my taint
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
