I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
now i know why i became what i already was.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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