I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
