I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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