apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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