His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
