literally had 100 drinks last night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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