You just made me feel so damn special
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
