There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
