Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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