she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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