Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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