why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
