I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
there is puke in my bra ... again
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
