He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
