i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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