The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
