Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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