did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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