the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
