I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
