I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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