turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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