I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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