i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She needs sedatives and a leash
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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