my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
