Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
