I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
