last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
