So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
