uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
