Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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