I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
