Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
