glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
