I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
