I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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