I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
