Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
