Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
