we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
