My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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