Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
