so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
