Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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